A week or two ago, Her Sharkness, Janet Reid deigned to acknowledge the release of Vordak the Incomprehensible’s handbook of evil, How to Grow up and Rule the World.
In fact, she took the evil high ground and hosted one of her infamous literary tetris contests, in which she provides to her many chums (pun intended) a list of words to be used in a 100-word story. As an inside joke, or to put her frenemy\nemesis* firmly in his place, she dubbed it the Great Gassy Goblin Contest.
Reader, I won!
The QueryShark herself selected my entry, which more than makes up for having to tell my parents that I won a writing contest with the words gassy goblin in it (Dad: “I knew you had it in you!”). I may never delete the e-mail message she sent me:
“Book and swag are going out today in the mail.
Let me know when it arrives, ok?
J” **
I received the book yesterday, in all its yellow incomprehensibility, and my new favorite mug, which clearly shows that though Vordak may be the be-tined King of the Evil Mountain, Janet Reid will always be the sharkskinned Empress of the Deep:***
Or in other words, those who can’t, teach. Those who can, chomp.
Nevertheless, Vordak’s book is a thorough course on how to become evil from a standing moral start, with many exercises, examples, and basic diabolic plans to get one started on one’s career as the Evil Ruler of the World.
I will say that one of the subclauses in the required Standard Evil Promise of Employment Agreement is a bit worrying, though I’m sure it’s just boilerplate . . . But the chapter on superheroes is worth the price I would have paid if I’d had to shell out for the book,^ as are the many tips and commandments scattered throughout:
Never believe Commander Virtue when he assures you there is no need to confiscate his utility belt because there us nothing in there that he can use to escape from your latest diabolically clever yet extremely slow-acting death trap. anyway.
Apparently, honesty is not one of his virtues.
My seven-year old is already a big fan of Vordak, and is even now studying hard in her novice headgear and practicing her evil laugh: BWAH-HA-Ha-ha-ha!
I’m so proud.
I should probably note, however, that even now my three-year old is sitting quietly in the tub chuckling to herself (Heh-heh-heh-HEH) and playing with her favorite bathtoy:
Things are going to get interesting around here . . .^^
___
*Tomato, tomahto
**Seriously, Ms. Reid added some kind, encouraging words in another e-mail and the note that came with the book (all of which I am saving), but as I promised to make her seem more evil that Vordak, you didn’t read that here! Ahem, Ms. Reid has so surpassed evil that she has come through the other side and created not one, but two of the most helpful and addictive online sites for writers who would like to know what the hell they’re supposed to do (and not do). She sheds wisdom like sharks shed teeth. There.
**Please for to note the tiny, swimming, oblivious Vordak . . .
***Or rather, the price the children’s department of my library is going to pay for a couple of copies once I recommend it. I could donate my copy, but it’s mine, all mine! Hey, the evil is starting already!
^^And now I’m exploiting my children on the Webternet. Woo, this evil stuff is heady!
What great pictures of the girls!
Thanks! You should hear Sunny’s chuckle—it’s disquieting.