Mugging for Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day didn’t start off so well this year.

I mean, I was given many hugs and pre-toothbrushed kisses (cough, cough) and a couple of great homemade cards from my resident artists. That part was nice, if smelly in a way only a Mom could tolerate love without pointed comment.

But my favorite mug, which not-coincidentally holds held up to three and a half ‘regular’* cups of my preferred liquid, suddenly went incontinent and leaked hot French Vanilla roast all over everything seconds after I filled it—and when I poured it into an emergency receptacle, the handle disintegrated into shards and dust.

Broken History

Turns out, even microwave- and dishwasher-safe pottery biodegrades after twenty years of constant use. Who knew?

Luckily, it’s our family tradition to go to the Art Fair a few towns over, so I had hopes of replacing it with something that wouldn’t be as geeky-cool as a lion-headed Ohio Renaissance Fair souvenir mug, but which would at last have decent control of its contents for a couple decades.

When we arrived, Sunny and I went off together, while Watson wrangled Jane.

Normally, the Sunster goes for dresses, toys, and the color pink, but this time, she made a beeline for the nearest pottery stall. She picked up a glazed mug from the lowest shelf and said, “This one looks like the one you broke this morning, Mommy!” she hollered, to the amusement of everyone within twenty feet.

It did, sort of, but . . . “I didn’t break  it honey, it fell apart by itself.”

“I’m getting it for you, anyway. It’s pretty.” And she marched up to pay the man with the money my husband, who had taken my MIL to a baseball game instead—and who might have  felt a little guilty for making me spend Mother’s Day in the company of my children**—had slipped her to buy me a nice gift.

The problem: she had a twenty and the mug was twenty-three.

The solution: I grabbed another mug from a higher shelf. “Yours can be my coffee mug, then, and I’ll buy this one to be my tea mug. Because I’m tired of fishing tea bags out of my coffee every morning.”***

She giggled. “Good idea, Mommy!”

The nice pottery man, who had been visibly torn between maintaining good business practice and disappointing an adorable moppet who only wanted to buy a special gift for her clumsy mother, relaxed and gladly swapped her payment for my Discover Card.

Crisis averted and I had some cash for ice cream later—bonus!

So now I have two more Caffeination/Hydration Support Staff by my side:

Mugging!

Jane also gave me a lovely pendant made from a slice of geode, which I can’t take a decent photo of to save my life, but it’s gorgeous.^

And once my husband arrived home, I took my traditional Mother’s Day nap and slept through the kids’ traditional Overtired, Overstimulated Pre-Dinner Squabblefest, until the doors started slamming.

Ahhhh.  Good times.

How was your Mother’s Day?

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*By which I mean actual measuring cups, not anything would consider a proper-sized serving.

**I’m joking.  That’s a Father’s Day thing.

***Sadly, this is true. I’m too tired at night to dump the bag out and I’m too out of it in the morning, pre-coffee, to remember I haven’t done it. This doesn’t matter so much when I had green tea, chamomile, or even Lady Grey the night before—but Peach Hazelnut Vanilla isn’t a taste sensation, believe me.

^Aside from the thumbprint smear I’ve put on it—seven hours on my person and it’s become my new worry stone.  ‘Course, almost everything does.

News Flash from The Sunny!

??????????

“Look,  look!?”

“Hey!  You’re missing something!”

“No, it’s right here in my hand, see?”

“Wow!”

“I’m a big girl now.”

“Oh, yeah?  Who told you that you were allowed to grow up?”

“I told myself, Mommy.”

“Okay . . . . Can I still call you peanut?”

Sigh. “Yes.”

K.I.D.S.* to the Rescue: Securing Mom

Psst:  Welcome to everyone who landed here from “Freshly Pressed”!  I’m thrilled that my post was chosen and overwhelmed by the response—thank you, and I hope you like the place!

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In the car to school yesterday morning:

Me: Do you have your seatbelts on?

Jane: Yes, but Sunny doesn’t.

Sunny:  Yes, I do.  I just clicked it. Do you, Mommy?  I didn’t hear it.

Me:  Yes, but it didn’t make a loud sound.

Jane:  Oh, no!  Mom’s not secure!

Mysterious FaceMe: What?  No, I—

Jane:  She’s been compromised!  We have to secure her!

Me: Um . . . How?

Jane (opening her homework folder):  Let’s see . . .  Brown hair—check!  Black jacket—check!  Huge purse—check!

Sunny (in her super-serious, squirrel-breathing-helium voice):  Roger that, sir!

(a short pause in which I almost pull over)

Jane: Double extreme laughing—check!

Sunny:  Double check!

Me (getting myself under control):  Where did you get all this?

Jane:  We’re professionals, Agent Mom.

??????????Sunny:  Yeah.  Proffeskinals.  What’s in my ear?

Me:  Your pigtail holders have butterflies, remember?

Sunny:  No, Janie put something—

Jane:  Those are our comm ear things.

Sunny:  Ohhhh.  So you can hear me?

Jane:  Well . . . You’re right there, but if you weren’t, yeah.  Favorite color, green?

Me:  Yes.

Jane:  Favorite food—

Sunny: Hot dogs!

This image shows tree brussel sprouts.

Jane:  Not you—Mom.

Sunny:  Oops!  Um, Brusskel sprouts!

Both kids:  Ewwwww!

Jane:  That’s her all right.

Me:  We’re here.  Everybody out!

Jane (getting out of the car):  You’ve been secured, Mom!  Congratulations!

Sunny:  Hooray, Mom!

Me:  Thanks—I could use a little security.  And hugs.

And I got them, too.

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* Kids Imagining Dauntless  Stuff

How to be the Coolest Mom EVER (three days and counting)

Basic Instructions:

1. Drag your kids to the grocery store because no one else is around and your ten-year old’s theory about the minimum legal age that children can be left at home unsupervised isn’t fooling anyone but your six-year old, who is well aware that her sister can reach the cookies in the high cabinet if she uses the stool.Duff Groovy Cake

2. Find a box of this while in the baking aisle looking for Splenda packets, because coffee without sweeteners tastes like bitter death, using enough real sugar to compensate is not conducive to health, and a morning without caffeine is bitter death.

3. Ask your kids if they want to make a cake that afternoon and show them the box.  Receive one secretly-interested shrug and one excited plea for blue vanilla frosting to match, because it comes with fish-shaped sprinkle thingies—see?  See, Mom? Imagining the potential devastation blue frosting could have in the talented hands of your offspring, negotiate down to chocolate frosting and multicolored sprinkles

4. Get home, put away the groceries, examine the back of the box, decide exactly which steps should be done solo, and do them up to the point where you have to divide the batter between six small bowls.  Decide that Duff and his crew probably wouldn’t be using margarine containers and oblong Gladware, but remember that no one on this earth would pay you $450 for one of your cakes anyway, and leave the pretty cookware for the pros.

5. Have your kids wash their hands.  And again with soap.  Dry them.  Thank you.

6. Using a fourth-cup measure, have the kids count to make sure the batter is evenly distributed.  Carefully open the food coloring packets and have your ten-year old read how much of each goes in each bowl for which color, and have your six-year old count the drops, which she will do with the seriousness of a small bossy child who knows that the entire project is depends on her ability to keep you under strict control.

7.  Stir the color into the batter with great enthusiasm and a separate spoon for each bowl.  Add a bit more color as needed to make the red “redder” and the purple less blue, Mommy.

8. Prepare the pan of your choice.  If you have chosen a bundt pan, because you think the curved shape would be really cool, put it away and use something else.  Seriously.

9. Take turns pouring the different colors in the not-bundt pan in ROYGBV layers, using every rubber spatula you own, ignoring any questions about the absence of indigo, and wondering , with sharp 20/20 hindsight, why you didn’t insist on aprons and plastic sheeting.  What are you, a rookie?

10. Have fun anyway because it’s impossible not to with this stuff.

11. Bake, as the instructions say, until the cake is done.  Ponder that if you were the kind of person who knew even approximately how long that would take, or what the purple-batter-version of “done” might look like, you wouldn’t be the kind of person who needs to use cake mix in the first place.  Decide that this is an adventure, set the timer for twenty-five minutes and find your toothpicks.

12. Clean up the kitchen.

13. When the timer screams, test the cake for doneness, put in for a few more minutes for the sheer paranoia of it, and let cool for twenty-five.

14. Invert the pan.  The cake will release beautifully, because you paid attention to step 8.  If you hadn’t paid attention to step 8, the adjective “beautifully” would hypothetically have been replaced with, “missing most of the red and orange, which is still in the bottom of the pan and will not release in one piece or in any way that can be reattached to the top of the main cake.”**

15. Let the cake cool, carefully brush off the crumbs and ice it while the children are watching tv and no one is around to witness your nonexistent skills at covering a slightly lopsided cake with gooey frosting.

16. Clean up the kitchen.

17. Call the kids in to decorate the entire counter cake with sprinkles.  Swear them to secrecy so their Dad will be completely surprised after dinner.

18. Clean up the kitchen.

19. Run interference between their father and their inability to stop hinting that something amazing is up with the cake  on the counter.

20. After dinner, cut the cake and step back so the kids can take full credit for everything but the bundt pan, which you didn’t use anyway, right?

??????????

21. Make plans to buy another box and do cupcakes this weekend. With blue vanilla frosting and little fish.

Optional:

21. Pack a piece each in your kids’ lunches the next day.

22. Come home from work to hear that all the other kids were amazed at the cake—and that the mean girl whose daily goal, until very recently, was to make your gorgeous older daughter feel like a loser,  begged her to ask you to tell her mother the name of the bakery because it’s the coolest cake she has ever seen and her mother would totally buy one—a bigger one—for her birthday party.  To which your daughter shrugged and said, “We made it ourselves—because my Mom’s really cool like that.”

Boo-ya.

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*Or Dad,  ’cause we’re all about the equal opportunity around here.

**The scraps, however, which you would have hypothetically eaten in frustration, would be hypothetically  delicious.

So . . . How was Your Weekend?

Jane had a friend over Saturday night, which was sincerely fun—her guest is a great kid—but ended up being a platonic game of musical beds, in which Sunny fell asleep in our bed and her friend ended up falling asleep in Sunny’s bed, and instead of trying to put Sunny down in the sleeping bag without a) dropping her from a height that Child Services would deem iffy or b) playing tiddly winks with my vertebrae, I slept on the living couch—which had almost the same effect on my back as option b, but live and learn.

The next morning, after my husband left to teach his Sunday morning class, I made Pokemon Rabbit pancakes* for the remarkably bright and bushy-tailed kids and a staggering amount of coffee for the zombies adults and we all did an MST3K-like viewing of Toy Story 2 (with pillow fight) before Jane’s friend went home and I started cleaning up because my MIL, who had been away for the weekend, was due back that evening and I didn’t want to hear it.**

And then my husband returned and we went to a baseball game.

My friend Cha-Cha came, too, because she’d never seen a live baseball game before—I’m not certain how much of the game she saw, since the kids were there to “enhance” her experience, but a good time was had by all, including the man in front of us, who thought Janie’s explanation of baseball was funny as hell, which was a relief*** because it went on forever, until Cha Cha intervened.

” . . . There’s a fastball (duh), a curveball (which goes like this), and a spitball (which is against the rules and germy), and a slider, and a knuckleball, and—”

“What’s a knuckleball?” I asked, mostly so she’d take a breath.  ”Is it the way you hold the ball or something else?”

“It’s like this,” Cha Cha said, grabbing Jane.  ”Right?”

“That’s not a knuckleball!” hollered Jane, struggling.  ”That’s a noogie!”

NomNomNom

Sunny, who was so tired from her late night that she’d come through total exhaustion to the other side, had no interest in baseball but loved that the popcorn comes in plastic helmets.  I took her to the bouncy house playground for the last few innings, hoping to wear her out, but she did ten rounds on the Big Slide without making a noticeable dent in her energy level until we had to climb the stairs to get back to our seats.

Our team won the game, too, which was nice.

We went home, where my MIL and Watson were waiting with open arms and some new clothes for the kids, because my MIL’s favorite way of spending her vacation is to buy clothes for everyone else.  That isn’t a complaint, by the way, just an amused observation.

While Sunny and Jane did an impromptu fashion show, with music and runway, and my husband did the grocery shopping,*** I dragged myself to the bathroom mirror and realized that a) I’d had a bit more sun than I’d thought and b) it was unlikely that I was going to be awake enough to re-rework the chapter that I’d forced myself to stop messing with the previous evening because my sense of continuity was slipping and I couldn’t see to type through my yawns.

Which is why I’m sitting in front of my laptop today^^ with a layer of aloe on my bright red nose and cheekbones trying to reintegrate a very minor character whom I’d ruthlessly cut before I realized that she’s the one I should have kept instead of the two other minor characters, whose only reason for surviving was an inside joke that no one else would get because I’d cut their set-up.

And why this post was a bit later than usual.  Sorry.

So . . . how was your weekend?

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*Because kids won’t eat Deformed Rabbit pancakes, that’s why.

**Except I heard it from my kids, who were upset they’d missed Sunday School and didn’t understand why I can’t provide instant teleportation on command.

***The poor man also had to hear Cha Cha and I discussing our favorite baseball movies (I’ve seen the end of The Natural ten times, but never the whole movie) and sports movies (Does Simply Ballroom count?), and my personal opinion (once Janie left to get drinks with my husband) that umpire pants might look shapeless, but are actually quite flattering (“Watch that one at home plate when he crouches down to—see?  Isn’t that nice?”).

^He volunteered because he needed the alone time and I let him because I needed to sit down.

^^I have the day off from the library for good behavior.  More or less.