That’s right! Starting next month,* I’ll be working on a different floor! With windows.
Sunglasses and vitamin D, here I come!
That’s not the only difference, or I wouldn’t have bothered, but it isn’t an insignificant one. Neither is stepping away from the enclosed environs of the Archives—breathing history is tough on chronic sinusitis.**
I’ll have to work one night a week,*** travel more between branches, and trade in my personal workstation and cubicle space for a login and a couple of assigned drawers.
But the questions will be quicker and the patrons will have different interests, and most of my new duties will be my very favorite parts of library work.
I will be moving around instead of waiting in the basement lower level for petitioners like the Mushroom of Wisdom. And no one will ever ask me how to find genealogical proof that their great-great-great grandmother was born a Cherokee Princess—which is not and never has been a Real Thing™—right here in Pottawattomie territory.^ If they do, I’ll direct them to the person who replaces me.^^
And there’s a rumor I might get to select adult graphic novels.
I am overcome, y’all.
Overcome.
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*Assuming that the person who left that department for another department doesn’t want her job back after her probationary period is up.
**I can’t claim it as the cause, though—I grew up in southern Ohio and “Cincinnati Sinus” is no joke.
***I’m working one a month, now, which is why I can never remember when it is.
^Which at the time would have been approximately than 400 miles north of the nearest Cherokee settlement—give or take, as the United States spent a lot of time and resources keeping most native nations unsettled. But that’s a rant for another time.
^^Again assuming the person who left the ref department won’t return, bumping us all back to our original places like an Occupational Newton’s Cradle . . .
A nearby cosmetology college offers a short-term day camp so kids from first grade to twelfth grade can learn about skin, hair, and nail care, exercise, nutrition, and all sorts of other things. So all this week, Jane has been learning about face masks and nail files, doing Zumba, and putting makeup on model heads.^ She’sstoked.
Sunny is going to YMCA Camp. She’s . . . not so stoked. In fact, she’s ticked, and the main reason she’s so angry is that Jane doesn’t have to get up as early as she does.
This is unfair,Jane is hogging all the age, and there is no way we will evercatch Sunnyhaving fun at Y Camp.
‘What did you do today at camp, Sunny?”
“Nuffin’. It was not fun and I didn’t like it.”
“Did you swim?”
“Yes. I got a purple band, ’cause I can swim without a floaty all across the pool, so I could go in the big pool with the big kids and there were all these noodles and Marla and I played Cowgirls and Jason was the bad guy and Orson was a whale-cow. And we did crafts and played a running game—my team won because Marla and I are sneaky!”
“Wow! Sounds like you had fun.”
” . . . No.”
oooooooooooooooooOOOOOooooooooooooooooo
Fountain of Youth
Watson thought we could rig one of these for the front yard. You know, to class up the place.
I showed Jane the image and she said, “Let’s do it! Please?”
“Well, we’d have to find out—“
“And can we make it so we could swim in it?”
“You mean make the bottom pool bigger?”
“I guess. But you could just leave the top part off.”
” . . . The part that makes it a fountain?”
“Yeah. It would be so cool. Don’t shut down the image, Mom—I want to show Sunny!”
oooooooooooooooooOOOOOooooooooooooooooo
Slightly Creepy Convos
You ever really listen to the conversations you have with your kids and think how odd they would sound out of context?
Matthew Clarke did. And then he took it a strange step further:
There are three of them now, if you’re interested. The second one is my favorite so far, probably because it’s really familiar—in context, I mean.
oooooooooooooooooOOOOOooooooooooooooooo
What about Fahrenheit 235? I’m in rush . . .
Summer reading lists are appearing at the library. I like the early birds—they’re happy and relaxed in the knowledge that they have plenty of time to browse through the options, find stories they’ll actually enjoy, and put their choices on reserve or InterLibrary Loan if they aren’t on our shelves.
It’s best to savor the peace, because all too soon, the late birds—aka “Toast”—will be running around, desperately judging books by page counts instead of covers, and discovering that all the titles with the fewest pages were just checked out—for three weeks—and the only ones left are War and Peaceand the complete works of Thomas Hardy.*
Both flocks have provided me with the impetus to look over the kids’ summer learning lists before late August, even though my children tried to hide them from me in the bottom of their trash can.**
Sunny’s first grade prep is mostly not forgetting how to read over the summer and to keep trying to tie her shoes, but Jane’s fifth grade prep is a little more substantial.
Luckily, her required summer reading is School of Fear by Gitty Daneshvari—she owns a copy, she’s read it, and she could tell me all about it when I asked.
Done!
Before you raise an eyebrow at the title, it’s about four kids with phobias who are sent by their families to a special school, run by very strange people, to learn to overcome them. Weird things happen, as they tend to do, and while the kids aren’t completely cured by the end—according to Jane—they’re at least functional enough for a couple of sequels.
Now, if we could just get Janie’s math phobia under control . . . wonder if there’s a School of Bored within driving distance?
Janie showed me this one yesterday. Her cosmetology camp played them over lunch, presumably to encourage table etiquette. Or something?
I honestly have no idea why this is so funny . . . but it is.
Most of the other videos these guys make are a similar combo of Wayne’s World and punk’d, and clearly not for my demographic—though I can still remember why I would have found them hilarious about fifteen years and a common sense filter ago.***
Still watched ’em though. And laughed. Don’t judge me.
Warning: If you show your kids this video, you will have to restrain them from doing the T-Rex bit during the next meal. If you’re more worried about the Rhino . . . good luck to you.
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^Rule in our house is no makeup until she’s 13 or older unless she’s onstage as a clown. She’s negotiated down to lip gloss, but only if I can’t see it shine from across the room. But at least she’s learning how to apply the stuff with brushes instead of trowels, which is more than I can say for a lot of kids I see these days—and I was a teenager in the eighties, so I know about heavy makeup. And clowns.
*This is when we field questions like, “Do you have Apocalypse Now? Someone told me it was based on Heart of Darkness. Or something?” Or “Does this book have themes? Because I only have three days.”
**I’m glad they didn’t know the school sent me digital copies, or I’d be looking for my missing laptop right now.
Thanks to all who participated, or at least left a comment.
Since I didn’t make it clear to everyone that Google was a legitimate research tool in this contest—I apologize, rookie mistake—I numbered everyone who ventured a guess, right or wrong, and tossed the list into the random number generator to get a winner.
But first, here are the answers and a lot of clips. I recommend all of these movies, by the way. Even number six:
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1.
Jake Blues (John Belushi), The Blues Brothers
I saw this movie for the first time my freshman year of college. To this day, “Locusts!” is my favorite excuse, for anything.
oooooOOOOOooooo
2.
“This is Sparta!”
—King Leonides (Gerard Butler), 300
You know, this is actually sort of a chick flick, if you watch it with the sound off . . .
oooooOOOOOooooo
3.
I would say so far, adulthood gets a three.
—Candace (voice: Ashley Tinsdale), Phineas and Ferb The Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension
oooooOOOOOooooo
4.
“I feel sorry for men who don’t knit—they lead empty lives.”
—J. Pierpont Finch (Robert Morse, who is both adorable and creepy), How to Succeed at Business Without Really Trying
Finch is sucking up to his boss, who knits to relax.
This is one of my favorite musicals—it’s one long con with an emergency save. The title, by the way, is a lie.
oooooOOOOOooooo
5.
Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not ‘every man for himself.’ And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked ‘em up.
—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
oooooOOOOOooooo
6.
Damon Killian (Richard Dawson), The Running Man:
“This is Killian. Get me the Justice Department: Entertainment Division. No, hold that. Operator, get me the President’s agent.”
This may not be a great movie . . . okay, it’s not . . . but it’s one of my favorite cult cheese-fests. Ignore Schwartzenegger (who actually isn’t bad in this, considering the material he was given): Richard Dawson, playing the producer and host of the number one game show in a dystopian America—in which criminals are allowed to win their freedom in a sort of rigged gladiatorial death-match race— is seriously one of the best cold-blooded, calculating villains I’ve ever seen.
It’s more than possible that this movie influenced that drawer novel I threatened as a booby prize.
oooooOOOOOooooo
7.
I want a Winnebago
—Mother (Dan Akroyd), Sneakers
Around the :20 mark, but the rest is awesome, too.
oooooOOOOOooooo
8.
“My foot! My only foot!”
—Fidget (voice: Candy Candido), The Great Mouse Detective
My then-not-husband took me to see this the summer before we were married. It’s one of his favorite movies. And this is what we both say when we stub our toes or drop things on our feet.
oooooOOOOOooooo
9.
Gwen and Jason (Sigourney Weaver and Tim Allen), Galaxy Quest:
Gwen: It makes no logical sense! Why is this here?!
Jason: Because it’s on the television show!
Gwen: Well, forget it! I’m not doing it! This episode was badly written!
This is the quote I screwed up the most—sorry, Kev. You’re right, it’s the perfect clip for writers.
I should have stuck with Gwen’s ending line: “Whoever wrote this episode should die!”
oooooOOOOOooooo
10.
“When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.”
—Carol Connelly (Helen Hunt), As Good as it Gets
I kind of feel that way about Jack Nicholson, too . . . And yes, this was from Mrs. P.
oooooOOOOOooooo
11.
Sarah’s favorite John Wayne quote:
I tried so hard to find a clip and couldn’t! This one needs some context: Ssraight-laced Amelia Dedham (Elizabeth Allen) goes to a tropical island to find her father and finds Mike Donovan (John Wayne) as well. Sparks fly and Amelia usually ends up embarrassed and hopping mad.
At one point, she jumps into the backward-facing seat of golf-cart-jeep-like vehicle, and tells the driver to take her to Donovan so she can tell him off. Just as they pass Donovan walking on the road, the vehicle hits a bump and wham she’s suddenly sitting in the street. Donvan ambles past her and drawls, “Did you hurt your . . . self?”
Naturally, Amelia goes incandescent . . .
oooooOOOOOooooo
12.
Hannah Morgan (the incomparable Lauren Bacall), The Mirror has Two Faces
The quote comes right after Rose says, “Does anyone want coffee?”
Hannah tells her to go ahead and make it, and when Rose says, “Why don’t you make it?” Hannah says . . .
“I’ve buried a husband, I’ve raised two daughters. I’ve made my coffee.”
oooooOOOOOooooo
13.
Feathers and John T. Chance (Angie Dickenson and John Wayne), Rio Bravo:
Feathers: I thought you were never going to say it.
John T: Say what? Feathers: That you love me.
John T: I said I’d arrest you. Feathers: It means the same thing, you know that.
This is my favorite Western and I don’t care what you say, Dean Martin and Rickie Nelson could act and Rio Bravo proves it. Plus Angie Dickenson’s character makes this movie.
Here’s a fan-made clip of most of her best moments in Rio Bravo—the quote comes in around 8:54, but there’s quite an interesting one between 4:04 and 4:11. Whew!
oooooOOOOOOooooo
14.
—Ted “Theodore” Logan (Keanu Reeves), Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
I have no excuse for this one, but I say it all the time, usually to a bit of information I’m trying to coax out of an uncooperative search engine.
oooooOOOOOooooo
15.
You know . . . For kids!
—Norville (Tim Robbins), Hudsucker Proxy
The other catchphrase that came out of this movie for our family was, “Sure, sure.” This one is far less annoying. Maybe.
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And the winner is . . . Sarah Pearson!
Sarah, if I should send the gift card to an e-mail address different from the one you use to comment, please let me know!
These are the potholes at the exit of the city employee parking lot. Well, I say “potholes, though potpits might be more fitting—even when dry, it’s difficult to see the bottoms:
When full of yuck from yesterday’s snowrain, they could be portals to a petroleum-based Narnia or the final resting places for hapless Volkswagens, for all I know.
oooOOOooo
The remarkable Alison Janssen of Dead Guy posted 8 simple ways to get your editor to love you. I liked it so much, I left one of my infamous incoherent comments, complete with embarrassed fix.
Editing before sending–it’s important.
oooOOOooo
I came home from work yesterday and was tackle-hugged around the legs by Sunny, who was thrilled to see me—her grandmother doesn’t know how to work the tv remote and she was desperate to watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates.*
I lifted her up (she is such a peanut) and demanded a kiss as a bribe. She immediately pasted a smacker right on me. I staggered back—not just from my nose rebounding off her hard little forehead, but because it was like being hit with a lipful of thick lemon icing.
Peculiar sensation.
Apparently, Miss Peanut can now reach the shelf of the linen cupboard where we keep her lemon lip balm and had been reapplying every five minutes since she’d come home from school. It’s her “lipstick.”
I managed to sneak the tube away and stored it on a higher shelf. I also warned everyone that Sunny has developed telescope arms and the strength to drag her stepstool anywhere she wants.
And hid my makeup bag.
oooOOOooo
From the Quote Collection:
“My grandma always said that God made libraries so that people didn’t have any excuse to be stupid.”
–Joan Bauer, Rules of the Road. (1997, p. 142)
oooOOOooo
This tickled me—and it’s not bad, either:
Phineas and Ferb is a show that does not drive parental figures utterly insane, although perhaps I believe that only because it’s too late for me.
Tough to gather a control group for that one, though.
ooOOOooo
And finally,
You have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT to score a well-loved, but still readable copy of Bertrice Small’s Blaze Wyndham. Leave a comment expressing interest in ownership of said book on the Awesomesauciest! post (not here, please, or I’ll lose track) and I’ll pick someone out of a hat tomorrow.
I’ll announce the winner Saturday.
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*Random Thursday in German, I think. I’m told that the hyphen is key, otherwise it’s Coincidence Thursday.
** A show designed to appeal to children and drive parental figures and/or fans of Peter Pan (the original and the Disney versions, which is quite a feat) utterly insane.
I lifted her up (she is such a peanut) and demanded a kiss as a bribe. She immediately pasted a smacker right on me. I staggered back—not just from my nose rebounding off her hard little forehead, but because it was like being hit with a lipful of thick lemon icing.
Apparently, Miss Peanut can now reach the shelf of the linen cupboard where we keep her lemon lip balm and had been reapplying every five minutes since she’d come home from school. It’s her “lipstick.”
From the Quote Collection:
Earful of Cider 