The Jellonary War

I haven’t bragged on my kids lately, so brace yourself.

Jane’s weekly homework usually includes a Tic-Tac-Toe chart of activities meant to help her learn that week’s vocabulary words. Last month, one of her choices was to write a story using at least ten words from her list.

Coincidentally, she’d just turned in a report on Paul Revere  and we’d just had a Schoolhouse Rocks! marathon a family discussion about why Jello is the perfect food.*

The results, in my overwhelmingly biased opinion, are remarkable:

The Jellonary War
by Jane Wesson
(transcribed and copy edited for spelling only, with permission from the author)

It was as cold and dark as grape jello at the blackout of Jellington Harbor.

“The Silverware have a monstrous plan for attacking the harbor,” thought Sir Jello Revere.  “I have to catapult a warning to the town.”

So he got on this horse and rode through th town and he shouted. “The Silvercoats are coming!  The Silvercoats are coming!”  Even though people loathed his warning, men and boys still polished and loaded their muskets and women and girls still sewed uniforms with agony because husbands and sons were going to the grim war.

“They need to be abolished!” the people shouted.

When the War ended, EVERYONE abolished Colonel Silverton and the Silvercoats and signed the Jellotution.

Meanwhile, in Silverland, King Fork III had been roused with anger.  “I have a steadfast plan!” he announced to his army.  “I want you to bomb Jellington Fort!”

“Yes, Sire!” the army said, and they went to prepare the ships, cannons, and bombs.  “All ready!” they said in satisfaction.

Meanwhile, a spy had just come back.  “They’re going to bomb the Fort,” he said, translating to the people.

“What?” everyone said.

“I’ll go tell Jello Washington,” the spy said.

Jello Washington (who had an honest character) listened to the whole thing.  Then he said (his voice escalating), “WHAT?!”

“Everyone says that,” the spy said.

“Get the ships ready,” Washington said.

“Yes, sir!” said the Jello-pack men.

So Silverland was done inflicting wars, for now.

And then the Silver War happened.  But that’s another story about Jello.

Questionable puns, elastic vocabulary usage, historical content, and a honest-to-pizza comedy beat.

That’s my girl.

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*It’s weird, wiggly, and most of the flavors are yummy, except for kiwi and cranberry, because yuck.  Hard to argue with that—though I did try, as  I kind of like cranberry jello.  But that’s only, Sunny told me, because I’m old and old people have to like cranberries.  After that, I was afraid to ask about kiwi.